Why is it that after all of this goddamned motherfucking time you still have the power to make me feel so inadequete?

really, 3 years later, you still have this power over me and I hate it. you don't even try. You just do by getting everything you want, having everything at your disposal, being so fucking privileged it makes me sick. I want you to know what it feels like to NOT be able to go to any college you want, no matter where you get accepted.

STOP FUCKING TELLING ME ABOUT MY POTENTIAL. It doesn't fucking matter. I could have all the potential in the world and I still don't get to go to Bard, or Brown, or Hamshire or Sarah Lawrence so the whole lot of you can just shut the fuck up. I'm going to a state school. I'm going to community college. Or maybe I'm not going to college. It infuriates me that you get to have whatever you want all the time. I don't want to hear about your resume or your application or your essay or how super excited you are for the future.

because I'm not. Excited, I mean. I just want the future to go away, because I have a feeling mine is going to end in an oven or with a pocket full of rocks. Don't tell me you want to help me. Don't tell me I have potential or a future, because I just don't ok? I'm not going to a great college, I'm not going to end up with some high paying position of power, and I'm certainly never going to have a TENTH of the money that you spend just on your wardrobe.

Maybe I'm jealous. Yeah, ok, alright, I'm jealous. Because I want to go to Bard or Sarah Lawrence or Oberlin or Kenyon. But it doesn't work out that way, and you don't get to tell me what to do anymore. You don't get to make me feel any way at all.

and, I'm sorry, but sometimes, I just want you to go away.
and I'm not the only one.