all I want is peter back. that's all I want. I don't need to go to college. I don't need to have a future. I have a hard time envisioning one without him. It's bleak. If I have to live every day for the rest of my life the way that I'm living right now, I won't even make it to my predetermined suicide age of 27.

He was everything that I knew. It was like I was wrapped in a cocoon of him with his hands over my eyes--keeping me safe and warm and ignorant. He's been at the back of my mind for five years and now he's just walked out of my life. Like I'm nothing. Like I don't matter. Like I never did.

How am I supposed to cope with that? How am I supposed to take that in stride? This is like a car wreck and while he was safely strapped in, I was ejected through the windshield. I'm bleeding and broken and wounded and angry.